American cars

Everyone is saying GM, Ford and Chrysler are failing because they didn't get on the hybrid bandwagon soon enough. Actually, I was a valet for a couple years so I know the real reason for the American car industry's troubles is that the cars suck.
The only decent cars they make are the trucks, Cadillacs, and although no Chrysler will ever make up for the Sebring (much less the drop-top Sebring), the Chrysler 300. Otherwise it's a weak lineup. They make too many types of cars. GM by itself makes 13 brands (Buick, Cadillac, Chevrolet, Daewoo, GMC, Holden, Hummer, Opel, Pontiac, Saab, Saturn, Vauxhall, and Wuling to be exact). How 'bout you stop making 50 garbage cars and save that research and development money for like 7 or 8 good cars?This is all very disapointing. We're not even close to flying cars. I figured we'd have those by at least 1999.

HOLIDAZASTER!

I too apologize for the pun - however, I felt this could not be let up before I angrily hurled my two cents in. If you have not read the article - based on some presumption of familiarity resulting from having "heard about this" - I urge you to take a second out of your increasingly unimportant life (i say this based on the fact that you are sitting and reading this rather than volunteering at a soup kitchen or nursing injured birds back to health) and read the article B-Fast so painstakingly linked-to. As I read this article, my already-present sense of disgust and dismay with the current American-Experience, as it were, plummeted to a new low - punctuated by comfortably-voluntary-ignorance and a hint of sulfur in the air.
Take this paragraph, for example:
By 4:55, with no police officers in sight, the crowd of more than 2,000 had become a rabble, and could be held back no longer. Fists banged and shoulders pressed on the sliding-glass double doors, which bowed in with the weight of the assault. Six to 10 workers inside tried to push back, but it was hopeless.
You know the store opens at 5... you've been standing in line for nearly 24 hours... and NOW - FIVE MINUTES before the bargain-harlotte spreads her automatic-glass doors to be raped by the hordes of clothed-cattle, crazed by the promise of discounted appliances and 8 pound bags of Reese's pieces - NOW you decide to start beating on the door and chanting? If they had at least waited, perhaps the poor Walmart employees (who Im sure were eager to rush to work after their thanksgiving dinner on the one day of the year cashiers should wield cattleprods) could have opened the door instead of fleeing and cowering from the rain of shattered glass which heralded the onslaught of grabby-calloused fingers and payless-shoe-bottoms. The poor saps tried to fight back, pushing on the doors to prevent the inevitable tsunami of depraved-idiocy. At what point does a person want to save money on a blender SO badly, that opening hours, glass doors, human lives, and pregnant women ALL become moot points of irrelevance - paper doors on the corridor to consumer-salvation? It would be one thing if people were excited, and began to playfully jostle the doors and push, accidentally breaking them and then apologetically rushing in through the broken glass - smiling and nodding shamefully at unifromed walmarters as they flooded past them. No, instead, we have this diddy of a testimony:
“When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling, ‘I’ve been on line since yesterday morning,’ ” Ms. Cribbs told The Associated Press. “They kept shopping.”
"Shit - dead or not - I NEED a 20 inch in my kitchen and I am NOT about to pay full price!" I mean WHAT THE FUCK people?! If I look back through the years I have been alive... and try to think of all the manias I have lived through, it's sad to note how few of them were worthy causes. Take, for example, the Tickle-Me-Elmo... or Beanie Babies... or Harry Potter. You never hear about people climbing over each other to adopt puppies or donate coats. Its always some stupid useless object.
Look, I shop at Walmart at least once a month. The savings on household goods like toilet paper and those little GLAD tupperware things... they're unbeatable. But NEVER in my time there have I ever seen anyting worth killing someone over. I know this trampling is being classified as an "accidental" death. However, I feel like the second an announcement is made notifying you fo a death in the store and you KEEP BROWSING!?!?!?! Im sorry, but if you dont feel the least bit weird shopping in the same store as a corpse... if nothing inside you tells you to stop and go see what's happened... if your only response is "i've been in line since yesterday" you are as bad as a murderer. You have officially exhibited as little, if not less-, humanity than a homicidal maniac. The second that a snowman-shaped salt-n-pepper shaker-set became more important than another life - you crossed the line from being a slack-jawed imbecile whose idea of employment is participating in a phone survey while you watch your daily two-hour block of Judge Mathis, to a magically-upright mass of cellulose with a need for fried-fare, an insatiable thirst for Cherrywine, and a bloodlust for discounts and bulk-rate shopping.
Abraham Lincoln is rolling in his lofty grave.

Holidaze

Sorry about the pun... also, I hate to cheese on the the holiday spirit and what it's 'supposed' to be. but I can't even begin to describe how lame I find this story about Black Friday gone bad, especially in light of the state of the world right now.

808's and Heartbreaks review...

I have listened to this album several times, front to back - what I have found is that this is a case of directorial-masturbation. Sadly, Kanye has reached the point where he has a fan base loyal enough to pick up and TRY anything he puts out (except some of them pay for it). I am reminded of that scene in Zoolander where Mugatu says he could wrap a piece of shit in tinfoil and hang it on a fish-hook, because people would still buy it. Were it not for the piece of crumpled tin foil that is Kanye's production, this turd on a hook would be all too visible and easily recognizable as just that: a piece of shit. The beat on the track Welcome to Heartbreak is crazy... so at this point im sitting there thinking "this may not be so bad" until the solo-scat-humming at the end of Heartless. If you dont know what im talking about put that song on right now and peep this drowning-fish-singing-its-last-hoorah display of egomaniacal idiocy at its best. Then Jeezy comes on the next track and spits some sheer stupidity about not wearing jewels in the summer. Then we have a few 80's club bangers (<--pointless), followed by the dumbest theme/hook for a song ever... EVER: ROBOCOP! I cant even go on. Nay, I shall - PINNOCHIO! Kill me. Kanye... please, stop being such a lil bitch. You're an amazing producer, but Primo dont sing and Jigga dont dance...dig? This whole album is like a nine-year-old girl whining because some boy ignored her in fourth period P.E.. Undoubtedly you had good intentions and strong feelings (snicker) behind the making of this album - your only mistake was believing we cared. In conclusion: your album-cover is an appropriate one - a heart deflated... similar to the hunger that clearly has dwindled within you. Or maybe it is WE, who have made it too easy for you to catch a meal. Regardless, if Kanye wasn't Kanye, he would have never produced these beats for an album of this kind. Bet.

In looking through all the saved chats in my Gmail account, I have come across some which glow like pennies in the sediment-laden waters of a mall fountain. Hits like this little two-line diddy:

5:08 PM B-Fast: i think 500 miligrams is only half a gram tho
5:22 PM Earl Grey: ok

...or this number:

B-Fast: you been watching lost?
Earl Grey: Does a pimp carry a razor?
B-Fast: shits the bomb right?
Earl Grey: HEYULLS yeah

Countless ideas - including this blog - were conceived in the midst of this 9-5 banter:

B-Fast: i decided i'm gonna write a book based on this dream i had
Earl Grey: o yea? lets hear it
B-Fast: basically i get stranded on a mountian hike and barely survivei get rescued but i wake up a week later without remembering the whole week after getting rescuedand i slowly piece together all kinds iof crazy shit i did during that week becuase of the effect of the near death experiencemostly a weeklong bender full of drugs and hos
Earl Grey: on a mountain
B-Fast: ha, nah after i get rescued

Mid-Century Misogyny

This is the first of many chats between B-Fast and myself I will be posting. This first one sprang off as I was explaining to B-Fast an idea I had for my next tattoo. I mentioned that it would include a lion tamer in a traditional American pinup style... the following diatribe ensued:
B-Fast: I love the pinup style.
Grey: Yes - Gil Elvgren is probably my favorite... the SHIT if you will. I will say - the charm in large part resides in the narrative, yknow? So mid-century masogianism [sic] (how the fuck do you spell that?)!
B-Fast: mysoginy? [sic]
Grey: Yeah?
B-Fast: misogyny?
Grey: YEAH!
B-Fast: HA ha ha ha ha
Grey: you look that up, book worm?
B-Fast: all you do is type it in to google, son
Grey: yeah, or Blackle
B-Fast: do you use Blackel? anyway, pinup art is not mysogonistic [sic] - the contrary
Grey: oh is this some stripper-empowerment bullshit? HAHAHAHA I mean - its mysogonisitic [sic] in the sense that the women are always doing some stereotypically cutesy-female bullshit which results in their skirt being caught and hiked up revealing their panties and nether-regions.

B-Fast: true - well, mysogny [sic] is a strong term
Grey: yes, true. Its just all very self-serving is all.
B-Fast: I see that as like spusal [sic] abuse-type stuff
Grey: i guess it does idolize women to an extent - which can be empowering
B-Fast: SPOUSAL
Grey: hahahaha - I guess I just see it as "women aint shit!"
B-Fast: Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks
Grey: true... true
B-Fast: that's mysognyny [sic]
Grey: lick on deez nuts and suck dey dicks... yes, but hardly ABUSE
B-Fast: Im glad feminism has gone away from the idea that for women to have value, they have to be like men... aint nothing wrong with some sexy
Grey: for the most part
B-Fast: YO - times change... kids these days... well, maybe I just didnt know the right girls
Grey: I think it all depends on whether the girl was hot (making it sexy) or ugly (making it gross) in which case it aint sexual at all
B-Fast: I think there's a difference between admiring the feminine image and minimalizing [sic] women to nothing but sexual objects
Grey: no there isn't.
B-Fast: HA - ok then
Grey: No - im only half serious - I just think the second you start admiring a woman - biologically speaking - you start to undress, and caress (with your mind, of course). Now, there are women I look at and am in awe of their presence and accomplishments, with ZERO attraction... but I dont ADMIRE those bitches... HAHAHAHAHAHA... just kidding. Sort of.
B-Fast: I think it comes down to: there are hot women, smart women, cool women, and all combinations therein
Grey: and "butts" ones... who are neither cool nor smart.
B-Fast: True. But there are dudes like that too.
Grey: oh HELL yeah - they're the ones impregnating them and making more dumb-butts-chicks and dudes.
B-Fast: So it's not a male/female thing.
Grey: well, its a female-thing from our end... and vice versa.
B-Fast: You see that lion riding the horse?

Frustration peaks.

Yeah - you know... when we started this blog-thing the agreement or idea behind it was that B-Fast and I would engage in side-splitting debates and dialogues regarding any and all things. Sadly, it has become more of a proverbial pin-board, laden with random rants and directionless banter. Well - on the flipside - B-Fast and I debate and discuss via Internet-chat platforms on a near-daily basis. SO - as a service to you all I have taken it upon myself to start rummaging through the archives to edit and deliver some of my/our favorite "chats." Sort of like what they do when a president is out of office and they find a bunch of old tapes and papers of his/hers (PSYCHE) and publish them as an anthology. And so, it is with great pleasure and no further a due, that I bring you the Lifetime Series: Tea Time - A Collection of Candid Chats, by Earl Grey and English Breakfast.

shocking

Clay Aiken has announced that he is gay. In other shocking news, my calender says the date today is September 24.
I almost got interested in college football yesterday.
The NRA is saying Obama wants to tax your guns. Wow that's like worse than hating puppies eating apple pie.
Sarah Palin met world leaders for the first time yesterday. She was pleased to learn that she had actually heard of a few of the continents from which they came. When asked about her policy on Latin America, she remarked that "Florida is lovely this time of year."
Finally, this one speaks for itself.

societal demise...

The following is a series of e mail exchanges between myself and certain county administrators who shall rmeain nameless. For the sake of this post, said administarator will be dubbed: Yogi, and the other Boo Boo. Enjoy:
PLEASE HELP ME RIGHT NOW!!! -
I need to know right now if any of you are using or have used graffiti art in your instruction. If so, where are you obtaining the instructional materials. Please respond immediately. MANY, MANY THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Yogi
(notice the absence of a question mark at the end of the interrogative sentence)
RE: Please Help Me Right Now!!! -
I (Earl Grey) have mentioned it in class beofre (last year) and shown examples of some graffiti art work but never based a lesson on it. As far as materials, I used my own books and examples of work.
RE:RE: Please Help Me Right Now!!! -
(Earl Grey), going beyond the adopted curr[iculum] should be approved by Park Ranger or me. Do you copies of the lesson plans? Yogi
RE:RE:RE: Please Help Me Right Now!!! -aka GRAFFITI SCAREHey Boo Boo -So I received this e mail from Yogi asking if anyone had used graffiti in their lessons before. Not sure why they were asking (I guess I idealistically and stupidly believed there was going to be some inclusion on the high school level) I responded and stated that I had shown an example of graffiti in my class before which came from my own personal library. Well - I guess I really got Yogi's goat, because he wrote back essentially reprimanding me for "straying from the approved curriculum."I politely explained that the graffiti was used as a visual reference piece alongside famous artists' work and corporate logos... not in a "Graffiti Appreciation" lecture or lesson.I guess I just want to know if I was directly responsible for inciting some form of vandalist-malice or is this a curriculum-related crack down.I have to plead ignorance because I (mistakenly) assumed that part of being an art educator (especially in culturally secluded Yellowstone Park) was to expose learners to art from all cultures and walks of life, be it Art Brut, Folk Art, Classical, or Contemporary Urban. I have also mentioned names like Vito Acconci, Tesla, and Pavlov to my students before who certainly were no where near the content in the approved curriculum.Never did I encourage my students to go out and scribble on private property and any work I showed was prefaced with an explanation of the difference between commisioned art and tasteless vandalism. Not to mention that once would-be-street vandals are increasingly entering the art world and being sold at auction houses and galleries world wide as respected contemporary art.I understand not wanting kids to view nudes in the classroom. I also understand certain reading material being considered inappropriate prior to a certain level of maturity attained with growth and age. But at no point did I expose any of my students to anything that could have been considered distasteful, illegal, or inappropriate - spare the fact that it was not listed as "required" by the curriculum. I feel that my use of a graffiti photo in my class was no more or less harmful than mentioning hip hop to a music class or break dancing in a dance class. Part of being a successful educator is helping the learners relate to the material, and if using cartoon characters or graffiti art as an example aids in said effort - I personally see no wrong. However, I understand that policy is policy. I meant no harm and I certainly dont expect you to respond in length to this rant. I simply was flabbergasted (i could not think of a more appropriate word) and needed to vent to someone who might offer some incite as to the origin of this matter.Hope this dissertation finds you well,BestEarl Grey
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Now see here:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY&hl=en&fs=1]

monorail is #1

so as of right now, "the Dark Knight" is the #1 movie all time on IMDB, where users create the rankings, replacing "the Godfather," which had been #1 for over 10 years straight. I don't know if the Godfather is my #1 favorite movie of all time, and I haven't seen the Dark Knight yet, but c'mon - this is bullshit.
I care even less about what movie is #1 on IMDB than George Bush does about black people, however this little episode illustrates a larger point: people are morons. first of all, I've heard enough people tell me how good the Dark Knight is to grow more than a little skeptical. every single entity who has seen the movie says it's great. that baffles me. in reality, people just don't agree on stuff 100%. it's like impossible. only after some extended period of time can a consensus be reached as to the value of some piece of art, or some historical figure. if that many people agree on something that quickly, something scary is happening. now this doesn't mean that if you liked the movie you're an idiot, or even that the movie isn't good. but for some things, there's a bandwagon that seems all too easy for people to jump onto.
it's actually usually not a movie, but an idea. urban legends are a good example. remember the one about KFC raising chickens without heads or whatever it was? or the businessman who woke up in a bathtub full of ice, later realizing his kidney had been jacked? in these cases, there's something novel involved that our brains are really attracted to. it's like a "we can't make this stuff up, folks" kind of thing. it's like so novel and startling when you first hear it, that you think it must be true (there's also something satisfying in it repeating to other people and reslishing in their wonder at what you've just said). I think the same dynamic is at play with the Dark Knight. the novelty, of course, is Heath Ledger's death. people want to love the movie because it makes for a good story. by the same token, is there any doubt that Ledger will win the Oscar?
so now i'm kind of feeling like a dick for taking this in the direction I have. i'll see the movie, and I expect it to be good, and I have nothing against Heath Ledger. but I have a point. because what got me started on this was the people who made the Dark Knight the #1 movie of all time on IMDB. that's what crosses the line from mob mentality territory into mob rule territory. bad things happen when people's natural sense of objectivity is sacrificed to their natural social inclinations - like your town neglecting to fix up Main Street and using the money to build a monorail instead.

Waiting for iGoudeau... i mean, iPhone

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Back to school...

OY! Yes in only three short days my summer vacation ends. I remember when I was IN school - summer vacation was this intangible epic-span of time which seemed to stretch out and on for ever. Sadly, as time went by summer vacation grew shorter and shorter. June - August used to be filled with sleeping late (or as late as mom would allow before opening all the blinds, tearing off covers and blasting Opera throughout the house), wearing pajamas all day (an adult t-shirt too big accompanied by fruit-of-the-loom briefs) and watching The Price is Right, wishing I had Bob Barker's job. I would sit there in my pink panther night shirt with a mouthful of half chewed raisin bran and daydream about hosting a game show for the first half of the day and then playing Golf the rest. Mind you - I didn't then, nor do I now play golf - I just always imagined Barker a golfer because of how well he would do when demonstrating the Putt-O-Rama game. The rest of the afternoon would be filled with flipping through channels of daytime court shows and other petri-dish samples of society at its worst.This summer was possibly my shortest ever. Namely out of fear that I would vegetate all summer I signed myself up for a plethora of freelance work and extracurricular activities (camp, night classes, etc). Shortly before summer I received from my lovely bride-to-be, a most inviting hammock. Each day I would get home from work and briefly lay in it dreaming of the days to come when I would lay there and read and sleep and watch birds ballet from limb to limb in the pecan tree's canopy above.
Sadly, I could not find the time to lay in my hammock even once.
Sure, I had a great summer. I went on many adventures, saw friends, drank copious amounts of wine... but sadly it seems that half the joy of time off is the promise of one more free day to come. This is why people - myself included - have such a hard time enjoying Sundays. Sure its a day off, but the next day is Monday!All these facts have lead me to the conclusion (once again) that TIME and CLOCKS and CALENDARS and AGE are all evil. (In fact - that time spent laying in the hammock thinking of a time when I would have MORE time to lay in it was time wasted).Today - I rolled out of bed around 9... took Lila to the park... came home and ate a bagel with my coffee while I checked my e mails and looked up hunting safety courses (another blog another time)... and then set off working on my latest art piece. Later I plan to do some light yard work and maybe make a trip to Lowes.Next Monday - I will wake up at 5:45 am everyday to the alarm... I will shower and eat and drive to work arriving no later than 7:15 each day... I will teach until I am allowed 20 minutes to consume my lunch in a frenzy and then pray that I have enough time to shit before the arrival of my next class...All my freedom and autonomy will be replaced by a regimented schedule and sense of automation.At what point did we surrender to this conveyor belt lifestyle? I feel like the little wooden-people in cuckoo clocks who come out and do the same damn thing at the same damn time every damn day. Why one of those little lumberjacks doesn't take his little axe and start bashing that wheel which binds his feet is beyond me.Well rest assured - some day in the (hopefully) not too distant future, this little cuckoo bird is gonna splinter and tear free his wooden wings and soar straight out the fucking window. I'll fly high and far, over highways and schools and office buildings until the once-blue sky gives way to the undulating waves of granite and pine, growing darker and more prominent as I draw near - flapping harder and faster now than I or any of the other clock inhabitants ever thought possible. The smell of exhaust and french fries will give way to decomposing oak leaves and honeysuckle, lifted on breezes who tickle lake tops and frolic through evergreen canopies. There, high above the peaks of rocky ridges, I too will twirl and swing in the wind - knowing Late as darkness and Morning as daybreak, when the Appalachian sun emerges from the craggy ocean of mountains and shakes off, splashing light across the vast terrain.Then, and only then, will this cuckoo rest easy - with no concern for when he must emerge from his wooden house and call out to warn those who hear him, that yet another hour of time has gone forever, leaving only 23 more before your second chance is up.

Dueling hemispheres...

Many of you commented on our Left Vs. Right - as it were - discussion. Some of you commented on the silliness of the mere notion that any one person could be guided solely by the decisions of one particular half of the brain or the other. Other readers directed us towards articles describing the synchronicity with which both halves operate. There has even been debate over whether this "battle of wills" - for want of a better term - could be responsible for the conceived presence of a conscience or "inner-voice."
B-Fast and I would like to extend our gratitude to those of you who pitched in and hope that you will continue to do so as we strive to find our way and determine the true purpose of this thing we've created. Until then - I hope this will provide some entertainment:
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=MuOvqeABHvQ]

English Breakfast here....

I respect right-braindedness greatly. how does it go? right brains are creative, while left brains are logical (aka 'lateralization of brain hemispheres'). I noticed my partner Earl designated himself 'right brain' (see handsome photo below). as such, I was tempted to label myself 'left brain.' as a left-brainer, I'm not creative enough anyway to come up with an alternative. also, left is the logical (get it?) counterpoint to right. therefore it made perfect sense.
then I saw this (I google everything) and it blew my mind (both sides).
wtf??? how is this perfectly shaped female image moving in any direction other than clockwise? so am I actually right-brained? or just stupid for trying to label my personality by way of what appears to be the Australian equivalent of Fox News? At least I know one thing: the fact that I'm attracted to the hot spinning chick means I'm probably not gay.
nice to meet you too.

In the beginning...

...there wasn't shit to talk about or write about. I guess introductions are a good a place as any to get started. Why are we even posting this stuff? Well that remains to be seen. I guess as a result of nothing short of delusions of grandeur, my good friend Yeoj and I will be filling this blog with any and all things we deem worthy of public consumption. For example, today is the 40-year anniversary of the Cubicle's birth from the stagnant loins of design hell. Cubicles fall under a genre I have created and titled: ANTITECHTURE. My wife-to-be is an architect and thus I have grown a more discerning eye in regards to physical structures and interiors. Antitechture is anything which is designed with ZERO consideration given to aesthetic. Not in the minimalist fashion which negates the need for decorative fodder - but more in the "let's spend as little thought and money and get a box up that serves our purposes-"sense. Here are some examples besides the cubicle:
Even the pathetic attempts at visual-garnish on this box only further degenerate any and all possibility of visual grace or pleasantries. The canopy at least serves some pragmatic function. I wonder if this was included in the original design: "Let's spice this bad boy up with a gray-black-brown awning!"
The godfather of Antitechture and symbol of systematic social-homogenization
Kill me now!
I have seen Antitechture serve as restaurants, DMV offices, porn shops, Eateries, and mechanic's garages. My real question is who designs these? These architectural equivalents of stick figures are part of the main flaw with the ever-evolving American landscape. This lack of commitment to creating lasting structures as relics of our culture and examples of our technological and artistic development are killing the roadside panorama which not long ago defined our global image.
I have often wondered if perhaps this has to do with the young nature of our society. Even the MOST historic AMERICAN structure is no more the two or three hundred years old, compared to places like Europe and Asia where structures can date back as far as the BC era. This could have something to do with the amount of trash and excess we produce as a a nation. We are a people always on the move, be it from other countries, state-to-state, home to the office, and so on. My grandmother had spoons that HER grandmother used - I dont think I have the same silverware from my old apartment which I left a year ago. Whether material belongings, products, or buildings - we need to start taking more pride in the production of all things which we as a culture will be remembered by in the generations and eons to come. Stop cutting corners, saving money, and mass producing. We need to reclaim a sense of pride in what it means to be American Made. This is especially true now - in a time when people are witnessing nature tear our buildings and houses apart - houses no more the 40 - 50 years old, when there are shanties in other countries which have stood for hundreds of years, through thick and thin. When everything in our culture is disposable and replaceable - what is there to cherish? What is there to inherit? What will be left as our legacy?